Sadly, this post will probably be the first in a series.
This story brought to you by Frank Crow, 56, of Moss Bluff, Florida, who got into an argument about the lack of available toilet paper with his roommate, 58-year-old Kenneth Matthews. (Why do they always give the participants' ages, anyway? It almost never makes a story better unless one or more of the participants is over 90. Oh, well.)
Crow initially denied any involvement — and I bet there was no evidence at all to suggest he was involved — but confessed during questioning. (CNN's report has a video link in the story entitled "Watch how an 11-year-old helped get the confession.") Crow said that the men started fighting over the absence of toilet paper and that eventually Matthews pulled out a rifle. Not quickly enough, apparently, because Crow "then began beating Matthews with the sledgehammer and claw hammer," he told police. The beating was wildly successful, as beatings go, since Matthews had to be identified through his fingerprints.
When informed of the reason for the beating, police said they understood Crow's frustration and let him go immediately. "There's nothing worse," said one deputy, "than the feeling you get when you look over, realize there ain't no TP and you got nowhere to go. It's enough to make any man grab a hammer or two and beat his friend to death."
No, that didn't happen. Crow was charged with homicide and is being held without bail. The Marion County jail probably has plenty of toilet paper, but I bet it ain't but one-ply.