Plaintiff: Justin Bieber Blasted Me With His Gondola-Based Sonic Ray Machine

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Curse you, Evil Justin Bieber! Where will you strike next? If you're not assaulting a 12-year-old during a laser-tag match, you're using a heart-shaped gondola to focus the screams of your followers into an eardrum-puncturing sonic blast:

I TOOK MY DAUGHTER TO A JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT JULY 14 2010 AT THE ROSE QUARTER IN PORTLAND OREGON. DUE TO AN UNFORESEEN ASPECT OF THE SHOW, I WAS INJURED BY A SOUND BLAST THAT EXCEEDED SAFE DECIBEL LEVELS.… THE INCIDENT OF INJURY WAS WHEN JUSTIN BIEBER CLIMBED INTO A HEART SHAPED, ALUMINUM/STEEL GONDOLA AND WAS PULLED OUT OVER THE CROWD. MR. BIEBER CREATED A WAVE LIKE EFFECT OF SCREAMING BY POINTING INTO VARIOUS SECTIONS OF THE ARENA. THEN ENTICED THE CROWD INTO A FRENZY OF SCREAMS BY CONTINUOUSLY WAVING HIS ARMS IN A QUICK AND UPWARD MOTION, WHEREAS I WAS STRUCK WITH A SOUND BLAST. THE GONDOLA THAT JUSTIN BIEBER WAS SUSPENDED IN ACTED AS A SOUND CONDUCTOR CREATING A SOUND BLAST THAT PERMANENTLY DAMAGED BOTH OF MY EARS.

Plaintiff, who surprisingly is representing herself, is demanding a mere $9,230,000 from Bieber, his record label, and the event producers for this incident of injury, plus an undisclosed amount for costs, travel expenses and attorney fees. Will the heart-shaped gondola manufacturer be accused of making a defective heart-shaped gondola? Stay tuned.

Arguably, plaintiff should also sue the audience members who actually created the sound that harmed her, but I don't think that'll happen. They were clearly innocent pawns, defenseless against Mr. Bieber's uncanny ability to generate a typhoon of scream waves by continuously waving his arms in a quick and upward motion.

If only he had chosen to use this mighty power for good instead of evil.