Good Reason to Kill #54: Was Eating All the Salsa

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At least three people sent this to me with a message along the lines of "I saw this and immediately thought of you." I guess I shouldn't be pleased that I come to mind when people attack each other for utterly ridiculous reasons, but I kind of am.

I don't know if it's my selection process or an aspect of human nature, but I notice that an awful lot of the entries in this category involve disputes over food. Coincidentally or not, the most recent post in the series was back around Thanksgiving. See "Good Reason to Kill #52: Started Thanksgiving Early, and #53: Ate All the Leftovers" (Dec. 2, 2014). This post referred to five prior ones that also involved fast-food ordering; here's one involving apple fritters; this guy took all the crab legs; over here it was pancakes; also donuts, popcorn, and hot dogs.

I'd understand if these people were starving, but death struggles involving donuts or apple fritters generally don't involve that particular motive.

Anyway, this time it's salsa.

According to the report, the victim, a 61-year-old Ohio man, "reported he was eating chips and salsa with his girlfriend … when they got into an argument over who was eating all of the salsa." Of course there is only one way to resolve condiment disputes, and that is through an immediate and decisive resort to violence.

The victim said his girlfriend first stabbed him with a pen—it was probably the only thing she had handy, since you don't use utensils with salsa, and you can't stab somebody with a chip—and then tried to push his TV over.  As he wrestled with the television, she took the opportunity to get a kitchen knife and applied it to his stomach area. Someone had apparently called police by then, because the woman then fled in a vehicle. She was stopped later on I-77 and booked for assault and "criminal damaging," although it's not clear what she damaged other than her boyfriend, and I see no evidence that he is a criminal.

Police said the man's injuries were not life-threatening, and I'm glad to hear that. Fatalities take all the fun out of these.