Crime and Punishment

Captain Innocent Found Guilty

In what appears to represent both justice and the failure of a long-term parental naming strategy, Captain Innocent Sagahutu was convicted in May of crimes against humanity, following a lengthy trial. He was sentenced to 20 years in prison by the…


Judge Buys Sleepwalking Defense to Assault Charges

The Calgary Sun reports that a judge has found a man not guilty of a brutal assault (actually, "not criminally responsible by reason of a mental disorder"), accepting the defense argument that the man suffered from "parasomnia." That is, the…


Overly Complicated Cheating Scam Fails Badly

It's a good thing this guy was caught trying to cheat on the MCAT (the Medical College Admissions Test), because if the scheme he and an accomplice came up with is any indication, he isn't smart enough to be a…


Opera Singer Acquitted of Tofu-Related Assault Charges

Bringing an end to what will certainly be the next ripped-from-the-headlines "Law & Order" drama, a New York judge acquitted Marcella Caprario on Wednesday of charges that she slapped another shopper at Trader Joe's. The fight with Dr. Cathleen London…



Feds Seize Alleged Moon Rock in California

It's probably rare that somebody walks into a Denny's with a moon rock in her purse, but that may have happened in California recently. According to the Los Angeles Times, two men met with a woman in a Denny's restaurant…


Suspect’s Juggalo Status Unclear, Say Juggalo Experts

Just because somebody's wearing clown makeup doesn't make him a clown, and as Rod Blagojevich proves, not all clowns wear makeup. This is also true of Juggalos. So police may have jumped to conclusions earlier this month when they speculated…


Man Reports Faucet Switched by Mysterious Faucet-Switcher

Strange doings afoot: FLINT, Michigan — A man told police on Monday that someone mysteriously switched the faucet of his kitchen sink, according to a larceny report filed with Flint police. The man told police he went into his kitchen at…



Kansas City Ape Owners Must Pay for Rampage, Judge Rules

After a two-day trial featuring "contentious testimony" by 11 witnesses, a Kansas City judge has ruled that the owners of a chimpanzee that went apeshit last year must pay to fix the police car she damaged. As I mentioned at…