Criminal Mind, The

Questions to Ask Before Trying to Get a Ton of Drugs Into Australia by Sea

See Question 11.


With the answers that these people might have come up with, had they asked.

1. Do we have a boat? Check.

2. Do we know where all the reefs are located? Reefs?

3. Is there a dinghy, just in case we need to reach a tiny island nearby? Ha! He said “dinghy.” But yes.

4. These drugs, are they illegal? Oh yes.

5. Would we be importing a “commercial quantity” of drugs? Is 1.1 metric tons a “commercial quantity”?

6. Yes. Then yes.

7. Do we have shovels in case we need to bury it all? No, but we could just use seaweed. Or something. It’s only 1.1 metric tons.

8. Are we dressed appropriately in case we need to hide in low scrub? Well, we’re not going to need to hide, but if we did, what is “low scrub”?

9. It’s, like, grass and small bushes and whatnot. Sounds like the answer is no? Is this “low scrub” colored hot pink, by chance?

10. No, it’s greenish. Are we wearing anything that’s hot pink and so easily spotted from the air if trying to hide in low scrub? Well … one of us might be.

11. Is the area inhabited by giant seals, one of which might block our escape if we wake it up while trying to run from the police? These are pretty specific questions. How likely is it that we would run into a giant seal?

12. Never mind. Okay, last question: if we’re surrounded by water, is it really worth trying to run from the police anyway? Do water escapes ever work? Of course not! How many times does that point need to be made?