Well, a wrench is close enough to a mace that you should cut me some slack on that one.
Speaking of medieval, Mike Tyson mentioned the other day that ear don't taste too good. What if at the time you had been able to put some of Evander Holyfield's new "Real Deal" BBQ Sauce on Evander Holyfield's ear chunk, he was asked. "That would've been a delicacy," said the lunatic.
The guy who was stopped for driving around with four kids strapped to the hood of his car has pleaded guilty, despite his perfectly valid defenses that "I was only going to drive around the corner" and "I thought they would like it." They probably did like it (the report doesn't say), but then they probably didn't know how drunk he was.
It's also not okay to lock your kids in the trunk, even for just a few minutes while you go shopping. ("I thought they would like it" didn't work here, either.) At least the other guy had them somewhere he could keep an eye on them.