This seems like it might be useful information to have:

Even if you live in a blue state, though (and here "blue state" means there's no law against it), you shouldn't own one of our primate cousins. They are beautiful, intelligent creatures that are entitled to enjoy freedom, happiness, and dignity, just as we are. Plus some of these bastards will totally rip your face off without warning. Happens all the time. Are you nuts? Get a hamster or something.

P.S. For those of you about to remind me, I am fully aware that apes are only one branch of the primate family. We've been through that. I just like the word "ape."