Driving While Caffeinated?
Spoiler: it’s not against the law.
2015
No Dancing in Cottonwood Heights
It’s “disorderly conduct,” according to some people. But hey, you can’t be too careful. Look the other way and the next thing you know, ISIL will try a disco infiltration.
Accused Italian Cheese Witch May Get New Trial
This is one of those we’re-sorry-we-burned-that-person-a-few-centuries-ago cases, but that doesn’t mean they all shouldn’t get together now and have a second fake trial rigged to come out the right way this time.
Finally, a Use for Periscope
But hopefully something that no one will ever need to use it for again.
Meerkat Expert Liable for Injuring Monkey Handler in Llama-Keeper Dispute
This story has everything: a love triangle, a Christmas-party fracas at the zoo, meerkat experts, monkey handlers, and llama-keepers. Well, almost everything.
Jury Finds for 12-Year-Old In Closely Watched Hugging Case
Why you might want to have second thoughts the next time you’re thinking about suing a child.
Randy Quaid Caught Trying to Sneak Back Into U.S.
Hello, boys … I’m back!
Also I’m in custody on $500,000 bail. But still.
Council Takes “Wrath of God” Resolution Off the Agenda
“We adopt this Resolution before God that he pass us by in his Coming Wrath.”
Goat-Slayer Running for Senate
Some say Augustus Sol Invictus sacrificed a goat to the pagan god of the wilderness and then drank goat blood. Actually, HE says that. But he has denied being a fascist who wants to start another Civil War, so let’s not jump to conclusions.
D.C. Prepares to Name an Official Amphipod
Other states may have their crustaceans, but only D.C. would have an amphipod. Which is also a crustacean, but still. And D.C. isn’t a state, but also, still.