So much stupid this week, so little time.

• Technically, faking your own death isn’t a crime, but since you are, after all, faking something, you could still get in trouble if somebody relies to their detriment on your fakery. And if it involved a boat, that dang Coast Guard may actually spend a bunch of time looking for you, which costs money, and they’re gonna want you to pay that back if it turns out you aren’t dead.

• Also, after faking your own death, you should go somewhere other than home. They might look there.

• Trump spokesperson Katrina Pierson says her boss’s hardline position on immigration hasn’t changed, though his statement today that he would not necessarily deport all illegal immigrants does seem to contradict his earlier position that he would do that. Pierson explained, however, that Trump “hasn’t changed his position on immigration—he’s changed the words that he is saying.” Right! They’re just words. You’re getting all hung up on what they mean. Disgusting!

• Also using “words” was the spokesperson for Hybrid Air Vehicles, owner of the world’s largest airship, a 302-foot-long blimp called “Airlander 10” (but better known as “the Flying Bum” because of its rear structure). The $33-million Bum had its second test flight this week, and its first crash. “The flight went really well,” the spokesperson said; “the only issue was when it landed.” Right! The media is always focusing on the crash at the end when for 99.9% of the flight there were no problems at all. Sad!

• Luckily, blimps tend to “crash” very slowly (and helium doesn’t explode).

• At the Little Red Barn Steakhouse in San Antonio, all the waiters wear fake guns, I guess because Texas. Of course, everybody knows they’re fake, which is probably why a disgruntled customer decided he could safely take a swing at a waiter who displeased him. My guess is that deterrence has now been restored.

• In Michigan, assistant AG Robert Mol has decided to run as a write-in candidate against Judge Kent Engle, a decision he said had nothing to do with the fact that Engle is presiding over a custody dispute between Mol’s wife and her ex-husband, and recently issued a ruling favoring the ex. Also coincidental: Mol’s wife is demanding that Engle be removed from the case because the candidacy means Engle has a “clear and direct conflict of interest.” Funny how these things work out. Mol came in third out of three in the August primary.

• Bonus points on that last one: according to the report, the petition to remove the judge argues that he has a financial interest in dragging out the custody case because doing so will force his political opponent to spend time and money on it rather than the campaign. Seems like that’d be a better argument if the judge was responsible for the conflict.