Okay, having tromped around Hadrian’s Wall for a few days (I’m told it was in much better shape 1900 years ago), now I’m going up to Scotland to see the people it was supposed to keep out. Now that I’ve got internet access again, it turns out dumb things are still happening.

• Courthouse News Service reported the other day that the lawsuit filed by a free-diving photographer who was injured by a shark (see “Shark-Attack Lawsuit Raises Interesting Questions, Like What Were You Doing in the Ocean to Begin With,” (Aug. 10, 2016)) has been settled. As usual, no details have been disclosed, though it seems fair to assume that the actual tortfeasor here didn’t have to contribute at all. This is typical shark conduct.

• Police in Northampton, which is around here somewhere, say they are looking for a man who allegedly tried to steal a venetian blind by smuggling it out of the store in his jacket. This is that man. Sharp-eyed store employees noticed something was amiss and followed the man out of the store, whereupon he dropped the item and fled. If you recognize the man, or just see anyone who has a venetian blind sticking out of his jacket because that’s probably him, please contact Northamptonshire Police.

• In other unsuccessful-theft news, police in Belfast are looking for two women in their late 60s who took a six-foot painting of Steve McQueen off the wall of a local pub and just walked off with it. CCTV footage shows one of the women carrying it down the sidewalk with the painting under one arm and her cane in the other. The alleged heist was foiled when the women couldn’t fit the painting in their car. I say “alleged” because (1) it seems a little odd that no one noticed them walking out with a six-foot painting, (2) I notice that this pub had just opened in a brand-new hotel, and (3) the article has lots of details about the amenities available at said pub. Was it a publicity stunt?

• Well, apparently not. Or, at least, according to the same source, a doctor has “tearfully confessed” to stealing the artwork from the bar in “a moment of madness,” saying she now felt ashamed to leave her home. And there is in fact, according to Google, a family practitioner by that name in Ballymena, where the amateur thief is said to live. So it is either a very elaborate publicity stunt or just an attempted art theft by a temporarily insane local doctor. Either way, I think I’ve done enough research on that one.

• Now to Australia, where according to The Daily Telegraph a lawyer has prevailed in his battle to be compensated by Domino’s Pizza for its failure to deliver three (3) pizzas, two (2) garlic breads and two (2) drinks in April 2015. Tim Driscoll said the branch manager promised to refund his $37.35, but did not. Nor did the board of directors respond to his repeated demands, even though he is a shareholder in the company. After a year of being ignored, Driscoll filed suit. Domino’s apparently failed to respond, and when you do that the other side wins. Driscoll reportedly recovered his original $37.50 plus almost $1200 in “legal fees.” Domino’s disputed the outcome in a press release—which is fine as long as you also respond in court, which it didn’t—but the next day apologized and said it would do better.

• Finally, in America, Donald Trump seems to still be running for president. Are there any jokes left on that subject? I’ll do some more thinking on the train.