“Everyone makes mistakes,” said the 18-year-old who “karate-kicked” a 74-year-old man into the River Mersey last month, and yes, how true that is. Who among us hasn’t accidentally delivered at least one flying kick to a senior citizen at some point in our lives and then run away laughing as he thrashed about in the body of water we propelled him into? You could just be out for a walk one day, and then the next thing you know you’re crane-kicking some elderly dude into the drink. Life is funny that way.
Who wears a robe and doesn’t like Star Wars? Well, yes, Alec Guinness, but I would also accept “Judge Kenneth Lee of the Ninth Circuit,” whose opinion in Briseño v. Henderson contained a number of pop-culture references, including one that made clear he’s not a fan of the third trilogy. The court vacated a class settlement, opining that the injunctive relief promised to the class wasn’t worth much. The defendant essentially agreed not to do something it can’t do anyway, the court wrote, which is “like George Lucas promising no more mediocre and schlocky Star Wars sequels shortly after selling the franchise to Disney. Such a promise would be illusory.” A footnote clarified that the court hates The Last Jedi and The Rise of Skywalker specifically.
A less serious question is, who put a six-step recipe for white asparagus gratin into a Belgian legal database? The important thing is that someone did, at least temporarily. “Eerlijk,” said the apparently Dutch lawyer who found it, “in mijn juridische carriere deze hilariteit nog niet vaak tegengekomen,” which according to Google means “Honestly, I have not often encountered this hilarity in my legal career.” I used to say the same thing, my friend, although I’d usually say it in Walloon.
Well, for those of you who scolded me when I said that Kim Kardashian actually had no plans to take the bar exam as she kept saying she would … you were right. At least according to her, she took the “baby bar,” which you take after the first year of “apprenticeship” if you’re doing that instead of law school. And for those of you who scolded me when I said that even if she did take it, she wouldn’t pass it … you were wrong. With exactly the level of commitment to the law I expected her to show, she said she might take the bar exam again, but she’s so busy and has a big birthday party to plan, so ….
That reminded me that a good place to hide was, at least in 2009, the Homeland Security Department, assuming one could get a job there. See “Fugitive Located Inside Homeland Security Department Office” (Dec. 12, 2009). Hey, remember when we were terrified something might come here and kill a couple thousand people, and we quickly handed over our constitutional rights, and then something actually did come here and killed a few hundred thousand, and we wouldn’t even put on surgical masks? Man, good times.
If there’s a bear population nearby it’s usually illegal to feed them, because it teaches them they can find food in human neighborhoods and that may not turn out well. Those laws aren’t enforced often, but in May a 77-year-old Washington woman was tried and convicted of intentional bear-feeding. The trial featured the testimony of a wildlife officer who opined that area bears were “extremely fat and not what a normal bear would look like,” and video from neighbors’ security cams showing bears strolling around. The jury took less than an hour to convict. The defendant suggested prejudice might explain the result, though. “Let’s say I’m not their favorite person, never will be. Maybe it’s because I’m from Switzerland.” I think we can all agree that one day we will have to come to terms with the long and sordid history of anti-Swiss bigotry in America, but today is not that day.