Jefferson Convicted of Bribery, Storing Cash in Freezer
Frozen assets! Get it?
Criminal
Robber in Gorilla Suit Foiled by Worker With Meat Cleaver
Police in Conway, Florida, reported that a worker at Jimmy's Japanese Hibachi was taking out the trash last Monday night when a man in a gorilla suit appeared and punched him in the head. The worker fled into the restaurant,…
Bank Teller Fired For Catching Robber
Jim Nicholson, a bank teller in Seattle, heroically chased and subdued a man who tried to rob his bank last Tuesday. On Thursday his employer, Key Bank, somewhat less heroically fired him. Nicholson was working when a man in sunglasses…
Punch Another Monopoly Player, Go Directly to Jail
Thou shalt not pass Go.
Swine-Flu Defense Fails In DUI Case
Back in the day, as I recall, we blamed (or tried to blame) el Niño for pretty much everything, but now it seems to be swine flu – I mean, the H1N1 virus. At least, blaming H1N1 is apparently all the rage in…
Nevada Supreme Court to Pretend to Consider Bail for O.J.
Nevada's highest court (and its only appellate court) will hear oral argument on August 3 as to whether O.J. Simpson should be allowed to go free on bond while he appeals his conviction for that gun-waving memorabilia negotiation he conducted…
Honesty Maybe Not The Best Policy If It Involves You And A 14-Year-Old
In June, the Salt Lake Tribune reported that a 23-year-old driver who had been pulled over for failing to use his blinker was arrested after volunteering the fact that, in addition to not being so good with turn signals, he…
Meat Thieves Captured
Police in Spokane, Washington, reported last week that they had arrested the ringleader of a meat-stealing operation that has plagued stores in the area for some time. Christopher Webber was booked last Thursday on charges of "leading organized crime." Specifically,…
Weapons Conviction Thrown Out Due to Counsel’s Napping, Magazine Reading
On June 15, a New York judge set aside a conviction on the grounds that the defendant's attorney had provided ineffective assistance of counsel. For future reference, your lawyer may be providing ineffective assistance if he or she is sleeping…
When To Give Up Crime
When you are beaten and subdued by two 19-year-old Hooters girls. This is a relatively clear sign that you are in the wrong line of work. Last month in Loganville, Georgia, a 40-year-old man saw two girls walk into a…