Homeland Insecurity

Manila Airport Security Apprehends German Pants-Dropper

Upgraded security procedures at Manila International Airport are being credited for the apprehension of Hans Jurgen Oskar von Naguschewski, a 66-year-old German tourist who got so fed up with it that he dropped his pants before walking (or more likely…



NY Mayor Bloomberg Reveals Existence of “Batphone” to Senate

Testifying on Tuesday before the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg told committee members that he has a "very important secure phone" in his kitchen at home for use in case of emergencies.  Specifically,…


Why Not to Slap Fellow Airline Passengers, Reason #1

Wanting to slap fellow passengers (and their crying babies) is entirely understandable, but here’s a reason to stop and think before you do it.  A US Airways passenger was arrested yesterday after he threw a "mid-air temper tantrum" on a…


Toga Party Attendance is Critical in Abu Ghraib Defense

Lt. Col. Steven Jordan is currently on trial for 12 charges relating to the torture — sorry, "maltreatment" — of detainees at Abu Ghraib prison.  His defense attorneys have argued that Jordan was actually not in charge of the interrogation…


Names on No-Fly List Questioned

Reportedly, on Sunday 60 Minutes will air a segment on the Homeland Security Department that will include a suggestion that the "no-fly list" assembled after 9/11 may not have been put together, and may not be maintained, all that carefully….



Airport Screeners Directed Not to Touch Your Monkey

The always-vigilant Transportation Security Agency has promulgated rules governing the security procedures to be implemented when a disabled traveler is traveling with a service animal, in case al Queda figures out how to pack a bunch of explosives into a…


Woman Armed with Gucci Bag Removed from Flight

A spokesman for Cathay Pacific Airlines said they had to call the Hong Kong police to remove a woman from a Tokyo-bound airliner on Monday.  The woman, who was carrying a luxury Gucci handbag, repeatedly refused all requests to put…


Officials Shocked to Find Homeland Security Money Was Misused

The Indiana state Homeland Security Department has told officials in Vermillion County to stop using their official Homeland Security Department Electronic Emergency Message Boards to advertise the local volunteer fire department’s charity fish fry. The 11 message boards, which the…